Just looking at the snow outside, hearing the road reports, and thinking it is entirely possible that I will not actually be able to get my car out of my driveway or out of the neighbourhood, I realize that may actually end up completely alone this Christmas.
I don't quite know what to make of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Welcome, you have found my diary~
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
spoiled rotten
I lived in Africa for a year, when I was first married, before we had children. Living as an Ex-pat in Lagos, Nigeria is interesting. You are living in a very dirty, overpopulated, under serviced part of the world, yet it is still very much a spoiled existence. For instance, due to safety issues, I had a driver. I didn't really want a driver, but there was no arguing this little perk.
I was told that I would most assuredly become the target of a terrifying swarm of people, if I was ever found behind the wheel in an accident. Apparently, the whole scene is very dangerous, and could turn into a riot. No matter who was at fault, every man and woman within hearing distance, would be summoned, they would swear that the accident was my fault. They would get all of my information, and then go to the company my husband works for, and offer that that the witnesses would all be able to 'change their minds about the accident' if someone gave them a large sum of money.
Nigerian shenanigans, don't just happen through an email. Money is a big deal in Lagos. For some 90-something% of the population, Money is extremely hard to come by, scams and "deals" in daily life, are almost to be expected.
Anyhow, with that little bit of insight, what had at first seemed like a serious affront to my freedom (I don't need a babysitter), suddenly sounded like a very good idea, so I embraced it cheerfully. My driver's name was Dominic, he was a big tall ebony colored man, who wore a gleaming white smile. He would have battled dragons to protect me. I used to get a kick out of being a just little bit outrageous once in a while, just to hear him chuckle at me. He cried when we left Africa.
I also had a cleaner /cook named Justine. While I LOVED having someone clean for me, I refused to let her cook. I was a newlywed, and I was excited by the idea of doing the cooking myself (what was I thinking?), so I gave Justine the job of taking care of my dog, and I took over the cooking.
Justine had it really easy. We had no kids at the time either, so she barely had to work. In fact, she cried too, when she learned we were leaving Africa. She actually let out a primal scream and ran down to her bedroom. I stood there with my mouth agape. I guess we made an impact.
I really struggled when I first got to Africa, with the whole having "servants" idea. I was told to treat the staff like staff, or they would steal from me. I watched some wives take their role as "Madam" far too seriously though, and be overly bossy to their staff it was tough to swallow, or and maybe this is even worse, they would simply disregard the people they relied on to run their lives, as if they were no more valuable than soggy bread.
I couldn't do it. I know I was told not to but, I treated Justine and Dominic like they were family. Especially when I found out how much money they made to serve me. I think it was around about $180 a month ( plus a place to stay in the staff quarters ). They sent most of their paycheck home to their families, who lived in other African countries. This was tough for me, these people, leave their own country for 50 weeks of the year in order to feed their children. I never felt so spoiled.
I was actually embarrassed. I could spend the equivalent of their entire paycheck, in a single trip to the grocery store. I thought of the boating trips we took, and the parties we threw, the groceries which Dominic helped me carry up the stairs, that Justine helped me put away. They would never be able to buy those things. Even going into a bricks and mortar grocery store for a pop, is not something that many Nigerians can afford. Mushrooms for instance, are only imported in once a week, and they cost 15 dollars a basket. (that's fungus I just paid 15 dollars for)
Justine and Dominic shopped at the roadside stands. Rickety wooden tables with everything from eggs to fish laying out in the blazing sunshine all day. The table would often be standing next to an open sewage ditch. And sometimes you might even see a dead body on the side of the road. It was a tough go. How could I possibly flaunt my bountiful lifestyle and not be nice to these people?
Yes, Justine did steal from me in the end, but I didn't fire her as she feared I would. Instead I just told her I was really disappointed and sad. That made her feel worse. She was fiercely loyal after that.
I learned a lot from them too. I would ask Dominic about things that made no sense to me, and he would give his simple yet insightful view to help me understand why I couldn't help everyone I saw.
Seeing the poverty right there in front of me, was an eye opener. You haven't seen poverty till you have seen Africa. I mean I can't tell you how many times I saw little 6 and 7 year old girls, standing at the side of the road begging, flaunting either a disability or a smaller sibling (sometimes an infant) to try and convince people they need money more than the next person begging.
I couldn't believe my eyes, looking at one 6ish girl holding a baby just a few months old. "Where are her parents Dominic?"
Dominic: "They might be fishing, or working."
Me: "who is taking care of that baby then?"
Dominic looked over to her, a skinny little bit of a thing with big brown eyes, and he said " oh, she is old enough"
Think about it folks.
Could you imagine it here in North America? Can you imagine someone leaving their 6 year old standing out on a busy intersection median, holding an infant sibling on her hip, begging for money? There would be so much uproar, it would be over before it started, but in Lagos, its commonplace.
I told Dominic to stop so I could get some money for her, but he kept driving and informed me, "No Madam, if you give her some, then everyone you see here, may come and surround the car".
I looked around at the circus of people in and around the intersection. I and saw more beggars and orphaned children that I have ever seen in one place at one time, and I sat back with a quiet, "Oh".
I guess If I wanted to help anyone, I would have to do it some other way.
Which I did do in fact, but I should write about it in another post, because I have blathered on for long enough now.
~rach
I was told that I would most assuredly become the target of a terrifying swarm of people, if I was ever found behind the wheel in an accident. Apparently, the whole scene is very dangerous, and could turn into a riot. No matter who was at fault, every man and woman within hearing distance, would be summoned, they would swear that the accident was my fault. They would get all of my information, and then go to the company my husband works for, and offer that that the witnesses would all be able to 'change their minds about the accident' if someone gave them a large sum of money.
Nigerian shenanigans, don't just happen through an email. Money is a big deal in Lagos. For some 90-something% of the population, Money is extremely hard to come by, scams and "deals" in daily life, are almost to be expected.
Anyhow, with that little bit of insight, what had at first seemed like a serious affront to my freedom (I don't need a babysitter), suddenly sounded like a very good idea, so I embraced it cheerfully. My driver's name was Dominic, he was a big tall ebony colored man, who wore a gleaming white smile. He would have battled dragons to protect me. I used to get a kick out of being a just little bit outrageous once in a while, just to hear him chuckle at me. He cried when we left Africa.
I also had a cleaner /cook named Justine. While I LOVED having someone clean for me, I refused to let her cook. I was a newlywed, and I was excited by the idea of doing the cooking myself (what was I thinking?), so I gave Justine the job of taking care of my dog, and I took over the cooking.
Justine had it really easy. We had no kids at the time either, so she barely had to work. In fact, she cried too, when she learned we were leaving Africa. She actually let out a primal scream and ran down to her bedroom. I stood there with my mouth agape. I guess we made an impact.
I really struggled when I first got to Africa, with the whole having "servants" idea. I was told to treat the staff like staff, or they would steal from me. I watched some wives take their role as "Madam" far too seriously though, and be overly bossy to their staff it was tough to swallow, or and maybe this is even worse, they would simply disregard the people they relied on to run their lives, as if they were no more valuable than soggy bread.
I couldn't do it. I know I was told not to but, I treated Justine and Dominic like they were family. Especially when I found out how much money they made to serve me. I think it was around about $180 a month ( plus a place to stay in the staff quarters ). They sent most of their paycheck home to their families, who lived in other African countries. This was tough for me, these people, leave their own country for 50 weeks of the year in order to feed their children. I never felt so spoiled.
I was actually embarrassed. I could spend the equivalent of their entire paycheck, in a single trip to the grocery store. I thought of the boating trips we took, and the parties we threw, the groceries which Dominic helped me carry up the stairs, that Justine helped me put away. They would never be able to buy those things. Even going into a bricks and mortar grocery store for a pop, is not something that many Nigerians can afford. Mushrooms for instance, are only imported in once a week, and they cost 15 dollars a basket. (that's fungus I just paid 15 dollars for)
Justine and Dominic shopped at the roadside stands. Rickety wooden tables with everything from eggs to fish laying out in the blazing sunshine all day. The table would often be standing next to an open sewage ditch. And sometimes you might even see a dead body on the side of the road. It was a tough go. How could I possibly flaunt my bountiful lifestyle and not be nice to these people?
Yes, Justine did steal from me in the end, but I didn't fire her as she feared I would. Instead I just told her I was really disappointed and sad. That made her feel worse. She was fiercely loyal after that.
I learned a lot from them too. I would ask Dominic about things that made no sense to me, and he would give his simple yet insightful view to help me understand why I couldn't help everyone I saw.
Seeing the poverty right there in front of me, was an eye opener. You haven't seen poverty till you have seen Africa. I mean I can't tell you how many times I saw little 6 and 7 year old girls, standing at the side of the road begging, flaunting either a disability or a smaller sibling (sometimes an infant) to try and convince people they need money more than the next person begging.
I couldn't believe my eyes, looking at one 6ish girl holding a baby just a few months old. "Where are her parents Dominic?"
Dominic: "They might be fishing, or working."
Me: "who is taking care of that baby then?"
Dominic looked over to her, a skinny little bit of a thing with big brown eyes, and he said " oh, she is old enough"
Think about it folks.
Could you imagine it here in North America? Can you imagine someone leaving their 6 year old standing out on a busy intersection median, holding an infant sibling on her hip, begging for money? There would be so much uproar, it would be over before it started, but in Lagos, its commonplace.
I told Dominic to stop so I could get some money for her, but he kept driving and informed me, "No Madam, if you give her some, then everyone you see here, may come and surround the car".
I looked around at the circus of people in and around the intersection. I and saw more beggars and orphaned children that I have ever seen in one place at one time, and I sat back with a quiet, "Oh".
I guess If I wanted to help anyone, I would have to do it some other way.
Which I did do in fact, but I should write about it in another post, because I have blathered on for long enough now.
~rach
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
new years resolution
Seeing as the New Year is upon us, I thought I would share this video, made by LOOinLONDON on You Tube.
stuck in a snowstorm
Here I am, stuck in a snowstorm.
Well that's a bit dramatic, I could get in my car and drive, all I have to do is find someone willing to give me a bit of a push to get started. A slight nudge and I would be able, to toodle on my merry way, sliding around in the snow, but I have decided to heed the warnings, to be a good citizen and 'stay off the roads' .
Admittedly, this is easy for me to do, considering my kids are in Mexico and I have no responsibilities to worry about. I couldn't imagine having to be somewhere. I really feel badly for the folks who are having to use air-travel right now, and I thank my lucky stars that I still have heat and power in my house, and I am especially thankful that it's not minus 50 degrees in my part of the country.
In fact, I look at my last few days and, besides the occasional spot of longing for my children, it has been like a vacation. I am on my computer or holding my guitar, all day long. I'm either creating something myself, or being inspired by other peoples creations. Throw in a few trips to the kitchen, and the odd Miwashe Geri ( Karate Kick), and you have my day. I feel like I have scored big time,\ in terms of comfort. The fact that I miraculously do not have to be anywhere or provide anything for anyone, means I can just worry about ME. That's totally worth something. I may never win the lottery, but I have been very lucky through this snowstorm.
Anyways, I have gone from a million miles a minute, to zero in approximately an attosecond. I even had the time to start this blog, I have had this account for over a year, yet never felt inclined to use it. I still don't know what I am doing with it exactly. I am not particularly prolific nor am I eloquent, I don't have a great wealth of information to contribute, nor a scholarly view to impart. But a browse around the blog world shows such a vast difference between blogs, that it's clear to me, anything goes.
Excellent, this is my kind of place. So, my blog will be my place to express my thoughts, collect favorite links, as well as report connections and happenings. I will leave the funny blogs to the comedians, the sporting blogs to the guys, the arty blogs to the artists, and the clever blogs to the wise.
ciao for now..
Well that's a bit dramatic, I could get in my car and drive, all I have to do is find someone willing to give me a bit of a push to get started. A slight nudge and I would be able, to toodle on my merry way, sliding around in the snow, but I have decided to heed the warnings, to be a good citizen and 'stay off the roads' .
Admittedly, this is easy for me to do, considering my kids are in Mexico and I have no responsibilities to worry about. I couldn't imagine having to be somewhere. I really feel badly for the folks who are having to use air-travel right now, and I thank my lucky stars that I still have heat and power in my house, and I am especially thankful that it's not minus 50 degrees in my part of the country.
In fact, I look at my last few days and, besides the occasional spot of longing for my children, it has been like a vacation. I am on my computer or holding my guitar, all day long. I'm either creating something myself, or being inspired by other peoples creations. Throw in a few trips to the kitchen, and the odd Miwashe Geri ( Karate Kick), and you have my day. I feel like I have scored big time,\ in terms of comfort. The fact that I miraculously do not have to be anywhere or provide anything for anyone, means I can just worry about ME. That's totally worth something. I may never win the lottery, but I have been very lucky through this snowstorm.
Anyways, I have gone from a million miles a minute, to zero in approximately an attosecond. I even had the time to start this blog, I have had this account for over a year, yet never felt inclined to use it. I still don't know what I am doing with it exactly. I am not particularly prolific nor am I eloquent, I don't have a great wealth of information to contribute, nor a scholarly view to impart. But a browse around the blog world shows such a vast difference between blogs, that it's clear to me, anything goes.
Excellent, this is my kind of place. So, my blog will be my place to express my thoughts, collect favorite links, as well as report connections and happenings. I will leave the funny blogs to the comedians, the sporting blogs to the guys, the arty blogs to the artists, and the clever blogs to the wise.
ciao for now..
Monday, December 22, 2008
Melissa Etheridge
Another video of a live performance that impresses me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzcAWhn0zRI&feature=channel_page
~rach
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzcAWhn0zRI&feature=channel_page
~rach
Sunday, December 21, 2008
about kids and divorce
I have been wanting to say this to some of my dear sisters out there, for quite some time now.
I have a male friend, who is in the middle of a divorce. I have never met his soon to be ex, but secretly, I hate her. (& I don't "hate" people easily,....well, ever really). I'm sure if I got to know her, I would find some redeeming human quality, I would find a way to love her for it even. But for now, to me, she is an anonymous girl who appears to be trying to crush the man she made children with, and I'm very unimpressed.
[note: If there are circumstances where a woman is scared, if her man has not yet learned that he just can't hurt people, that's different of course. Women need to protect themselves and their children. Sister, if this is you, get OUT, NOW. That is all I will say, this is not my topic, and I digress far too easily. ]
To be safe then, lets assume that I am talking about the fairly normal, nice, hardworking, Joe blo Dad.
My friend is one of those basically nice guys. I see him with his kids & he's a fine Father. Yet his Ex-cow/wife, makes his life miserable, she makes it hard for him to be a parent to them. It seems like every time I see him, he walks a little slower, with his head held a little lower.
How are you doing today? I Would say in a cheery voice.
Friend; Uhhhhhhh.
Me; What's up?
Friend; Well, I went to court today, just to have 3 more lousy dollars taken off of my 'nothing' paycheck. (That's all the judge could find to bleed out of him). Now she (the ex) wants me to get another job, so she can have more money.
Me, simmering: "Brutal, 3 bucks eh? And how much did you lose for sitting in that courtroom rather than being at work?"
He snarfed at that.
Me; "...... and I suppose the only time you have to even get a second job, is when you are supposed to see the kids".
Friend: Exactly.
I don't get it. When there are children involved, you just don't do this nonsense. Especially with a Dad who is actually willing to pay up and show up. Do you even know how lucky you are? You GOTTA work with each other.
This woman is just so small and vindictive, she just hates him, which actually, I am basically fine with, BUT she uses the kids as her pawns. Which I am not at all fine with, in fact, everything about that little maneouver, is wrong.
She took him to court because he let their son pet a cat.
I am serious about that.
She makes up stories, and here is the worst part, the judges buy it, because she is a manipulative woman. She will go to the Doctor and imagine up these horrible symptoms, she will get the doc to write a note that somehow supports her story, illustrating how serious it is, that the kid not be around cats. Which ultimately by the way, means that the kids can't go to her ex's new girlfriends house.
This of course is the real crux of the problem, the new girlfriend. The ex-cow/wife, isn't even single herself (she has a live in boyfriend), she simply does not want to see her ex, happy.
Why not? A happy Dad is bound to be a much better influence on her children, don't you think? I think she is she nuts. And instead of meeting the new girlfriend (who is very nice by the way), to assess for herself the kind of person her children are going to be around, she just pulled an ugly 'court' card and worked the system. Ugh, It makes me sick, it really does.
I know she is unhappy, thats a given, she is morbidly obese and so are the children. ( which is child abuse in my mind, I don't know why the judges don't see THAT little fact )
She does nothing but sit at home and collect money from him And then she craps all over him, and she still expects him to continually keep jumping through hoops. Should he smile while he is doing that too dear?
She has to be the stupidest woman in the world.
To all women like her I want to say, get over it sister.
So what if he was wrong and (in your assessment) caused the marriage to fail? Its done now right? I don't care if he farted on the couch all day long, or boinked his assistant. Get over it. You are rid of him now, so detach yourself emotionally. If you don't have to trust him, then he won't have to lie. Simple, done, move on, now go figure out a way to parent those kids that you made together.
I have plenty of excellent reasons that I could use to justify making my ex's life miserable, but I don't. Whats the point? The real reason I don't fight with him, has very little to do with my ex himself. Its all about my kids. I vowed that they will NEVER have to feel torn between their parents. If their Dad, calls the house, I want them to feel comfortable to talk freely with him, they will never have to feel guilty for loving the other parent, they are welcome to us both equally. I feel so sorry for kids who's parents don't get that.
Just imagine being little, and knowing that your parents despise each other, imagine having to carry such a heavy load. Its so sad.
Sisters hear me, it only hurts your children when you talk badly about thier father.
Just what do you expect your children to do with this information you hoisted onto thier little shoulders?
Don't do it to your kids.
The obese, unhappy, vindictive cow in the story above, is not the only example I am aware of. I have heard of lots of women 'over dramatising' a situation to wrestle more power and energy from the man they once devoted their lives to.
If you recognize yourself in this story, then I want to tell you something. I have seen the effects on the children in situations like yours. It is SO much easier to make friends with your ex. I know its hard sometimes, but the alternative is much worse. Take your lemons and make some lemonade.
with warm hugs ~ rach
I have a male friend, who is in the middle of a divorce. I have never met his soon to be ex, but secretly, I hate her. (& I don't "hate" people easily,....well, ever really). I'm sure if I got to know her, I would find some redeeming human quality, I would find a way to love her for it even. But for now, to me, she is an anonymous girl who appears to be trying to crush the man she made children with, and I'm very unimpressed.
[note: If there are circumstances where a woman is scared, if her man has not yet learned that he just can't hurt people, that's different of course. Women need to protect themselves and their children. Sister, if this is you, get OUT, NOW. That is all I will say, this is not my topic, and I digress far too easily. ]
To be safe then, lets assume that I am talking about the fairly normal, nice, hardworking, Joe blo Dad.
My friend is one of those basically nice guys. I see him with his kids & he's a fine Father. Yet his Ex-cow/wife, makes his life miserable, she makes it hard for him to be a parent to them. It seems like every time I see him, he walks a little slower, with his head held a little lower.
How are you doing today? I Would say in a cheery voice.
Friend; Uhhhhhhh.
Me; What's up?
Friend; Well, I went to court today, just to have 3 more lousy dollars taken off of my 'nothing' paycheck. (That's all the judge could find to bleed out of him). Now she (the ex) wants me to get another job, so she can have more money.
Me, simmering: "Brutal, 3 bucks eh? And how much did you lose for sitting in that courtroom rather than being at work?"
He snarfed at that.
Me; "...... and I suppose the only time you have to even get a second job, is when you are supposed to see the kids".
Friend: Exactly.
I don't get it. When there are children involved, you just don't do this nonsense. Especially with a Dad who is actually willing to pay up and show up. Do you even know how lucky you are? You GOTTA work with each other.
This woman is just so small and vindictive, she just hates him, which actually, I am basically fine with, BUT she uses the kids as her pawns. Which I am not at all fine with, in fact, everything about that little maneouver, is wrong.
She took him to court because he let their son pet a cat.
I am serious about that.
She makes up stories, and here is the worst part, the judges buy it, because she is a manipulative woman. She will go to the Doctor and imagine up these horrible symptoms, she will get the doc to write a note that somehow supports her story, illustrating how serious it is, that the kid not be around cats. Which ultimately by the way, means that the kids can't go to her ex's new girlfriends house.
This of course is the real crux of the problem, the new girlfriend. The ex-cow/wife, isn't even single herself (she has a live in boyfriend), she simply does not want to see her ex, happy.
Why not? A happy Dad is bound to be a much better influence on her children, don't you think? I think she is she nuts. And instead of meeting the new girlfriend (who is very nice by the way), to assess for herself the kind of person her children are going to be around, she just pulled an ugly 'court' card and worked the system. Ugh, It makes me sick, it really does.
I know she is unhappy, thats a given, she is morbidly obese and so are the children. ( which is child abuse in my mind, I don't know why the judges don't see THAT little fact )
She does nothing but sit at home and collect money from him And then she craps all over him, and she still expects him to continually keep jumping through hoops. Should he smile while he is doing that too dear?
She has to be the stupidest woman in the world.
To all women like her I want to say, get over it sister.
So what if he was wrong and (in your assessment) caused the marriage to fail? Its done now right? I don't care if he farted on the couch all day long, or boinked his assistant. Get over it. You are rid of him now, so detach yourself emotionally. If you don't have to trust him, then he won't have to lie. Simple, done, move on, now go figure out a way to parent those kids that you made together.
I have plenty of excellent reasons that I could use to justify making my ex's life miserable, but I don't. Whats the point? The real reason I don't fight with him, has very little to do with my ex himself. Its all about my kids. I vowed that they will NEVER have to feel torn between their parents. If their Dad, calls the house, I want them to feel comfortable to talk freely with him, they will never have to feel guilty for loving the other parent, they are welcome to us both equally. I feel so sorry for kids who's parents don't get that.
Just imagine being little, and knowing that your parents despise each other, imagine having to carry such a heavy load. Its so sad.
Sisters hear me, it only hurts your children when you talk badly about thier father.
Just what do you expect your children to do with this information you hoisted onto thier little shoulders?
Don't do it to your kids.
The obese, unhappy, vindictive cow in the story above, is not the only example I am aware of. I have heard of lots of women 'over dramatising' a situation to wrestle more power and energy from the man they once devoted their lives to.
If you recognize yourself in this story, then I want to tell you something. I have seen the effects on the children in situations like yours. It is SO much easier to make friends with your ex. I know its hard sometimes, but the alternative is much worse. Take your lemons and make some lemonade.
with warm hugs ~ rach
miss 604 contest
Rebecca Bollwitt, aka, miss 604 http://www.miss604.com/ is having a contest, all I have to do is write a blog post, telling her my favorite song, and post a video, and I could win an iTunes gift card.
Great, my son just got an ipod, an iTunes gift card will be handy!
Here is my post, to enter, as per the rules,I will have to go make a comment on her blog, because I have not investigated whatever "trackback" is, or figured out how to apply it. (I have a feeling I will laugh at myself for this, sometime in the future)
My favorite song EVER, is called Fancy Tail, it was written (in improv mode) by my daughter.
here is the video link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWIDRV2LnXU&feature=channel_page
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great, my son just got an ipod, an iTunes gift card will be handy!
Here is my post, to enter, as per the rules,I will have to go make a comment on her blog, because I have not investigated whatever "trackback" is, or figured out how to apply it. (I have a feeling I will laugh at myself for this, sometime in the future)
My favorite song EVER, is called Fancy Tail, it was written (in improv mode) by my daughter.
here is the video link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWIDRV2LnXU&feature=channel_page
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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