Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Observations from my iPhone................

I found these shoes in my  closet,  my first thought, oh how adorable, and then I got another flash, the message was clear:  ~Dear Mommy, I am watching everything you do, so don't screw up.~ 
For a brief second I flirted with fear and loathing for my mistakes but I pushed it aside because I had to. She is watching me. So I turned my focus to being grateful for where I am and for what inspired me to care about where I am.

I taught my 10 year old son to make French toast one Sunday morning. This was what he served me, my heart melted. I was so touched I took a pic with my iPhone and posted it on my Facebook wall.  He beamed when he saw  my post and the love has continued to travel because he has since made french toast for his teacher in school as well as for his Dad and Grandparents while they were on holiday together.

I used to be too cautious  and would stop my boy from doing things like this, but I gathered quickly that it didn't really protect him  it only made him fearful to try things.  Now I just stand by and watch and applaud (and I also suggest that if we have to go to a hospital because he is making really stupid choices he'd best be prepared to suck it up because we won't  be entertaining tears over the situation, to which he says, "deal".).

Walking alone  in the rain  is usually when I let myself cry, that way  no one has to see the tears.

There is certainly something to be said for allowing yourself to sing like nobody is watching. It took me more than a decade to learn how to open up and allow myself to be so free. I've always had the spirit but never quite the capacity to harness my energy and properly present it like I knew I might be able to. It took me a long while to get over my nerves and not choke onstage particularly for larger events. Now I feel calm, I know what I can do and it's all just what it is.  I wish I could put into words how to get over that fear so  someone else could benefit if they so choose,  but there are no words really, and my way may not be yours. In any case, I learned through doing, trying, and sometimes making mistakes. 
Pretty much like you learn anything else in life.

It seems like now that I have the performance anxiety issue out of the way, I could very well  be opening up to another way to be free of myself  and it scares the shit out of me.

I've actually thought for one brief speck of a  moment that I would like to go back to a time from before I learned that my innocence had been taken,  to start again from that point  perhaps where it felt safe and simple without that whole thing in the way. They say it changes the way you  view yourself, this thing

The fact that I even allowed this thought in my head for a moment  tells me there is something I have yet to explore.  I don't exactly fear it but I don't want to make any mistakes either. I have a feeling it will be powerful and fulfilling because  it's something I know I have held onto, saved for myself, spoken out loud to no one about and only barely hinted at once  while describing an imagined kiss as being no more threatening than a youthful one.  Trust building within me, with me being comfortable taking initiative, deciding it's ok to do so, as opposed to being pushed, wooed, pursued, or coerced.  Something about that is a key to something transforming for me and somewhere deep inside I know it.  I know that (like opening myself up to the singing), when I change the way I view myself  the more likely this will open up the something that I've kept closed. I've caught whiffs of these faraway feelings and what that change will feel like, it's  like I know it's  there, but if I look it disappears, just out of reach  and I retreat, not really sure I want to let it all out.   I do whatever I can manage to possibly do to avoid actually facing it, all while I think I am trying to face it.  Make sense?  Of course not. Ah, well this has always been a mess,  you don't want to read my mess. Usually when I write something down, I have no choice but to look at it, so, now I've written it, just ignore me while I work on cleaning it up please.

I like light, I am drawn to it because it is not afraid of the truth.

Light knows that even a shadow does not change what is truly there. 

See that sign beside me with the red line through an arrow that looks like it is saying NO don't? 
Some of you probably saw it right away and some of you saw it but had to go back to the picture and focus on it to really see it.  To me this picture is an aristic/visual respresentation of that little voice inside your head. It's always there isn't it? No matter how aware of it we may or may not be it is there.  

 For the most part I totally get that voice, it really does guide me well and I am comfortable with it. 
But every once in a while, I blatantly ignore it  like a puppy dog so lost on the delicious aroma he is rolling in that he can't hear his owner calling him, telling him to stop.  It's like when I find myself pressing 'send' on things that are better off left unsent I hear myself say 'stupid, don't'  but I justify it to myself and  I imagine that my good heart will shine though and....
but it doesn't work that way, I really need to heed that voice.

My friend/co-worker  surprised me one day, I was relaying a story about verbally tearing a strip off of my daughter in a store and feeling so bad about it......and at the end she said she was relieved to hear I had moments where I thought I was a complete failure, because according to my online reporting,  life  looks to be so picture  perfect for me.  Really?

Some things I just don't talk about. I don't want to feel pity and  I  keep up the dance so that I don't have to. Some things no one knows, because no one needs to know. Everyone has their own mess, they don't need mine.  Pour souls are the few who I choose to dump on as I would  profess loudly that I am not broken, right exactly when I am starting wonder if maybe a part of me is broken.
For their understanding ear I feel very grateful.

And I do wonder, because the more I figure out, the less I actually seem to know.
One of the few things I do know however, is that my perspective isn't the only one, nor am I sure it is the right one, all I know is that it's mine.

Took this pic of the road while out walking one day  and immediately Sheryl Crowe's 'Everyday is a winding Road' began playing on the soundtrack that constantly  runs in the back of my mind. 
So, without thinking too much I just took the next two shots to mimic the lyrics....


                             ~every day is a winding road, I get a little bit closer, to feeling fine~

and I guess I do, so, with gratitude to you,  I wish you the best~ 



Cyndi in BC said...

good post! :) I was just sitting here listening to your CD when it popped into my google reader...

IVM said...

hi there,
we found you thru the blog listing site web loaded and noticed that you are local and we hope that you will stop by our Ivory Vintage Marekt blog and see the plans we are making to host another market in your area!
Two things, your son is so emotionally creative...he will make some girl a very happy lady!! and those shoes...to DIE for!

hope you stop by soon!
michelle & maureen

off to check out some of your music!

Anonymous said...

That was a very interesting post to read, very personal and I admire you for being able to articulate it as well as you did and for having the nerve to do it. I think I would like to be able to do that more than I do, but I have never been able to discuss thoughts feelings etc with anyone. Good for you.

Oh and as far as the crying in the rain thing...I have another solution as I told a woman I know. Ihad my tear ducts and heart strings surgically removed"

rachael chatoor said...

Sometimes my outpouring does me in Kelly. I admire you ability to keep it in.

Brad from Surrey said...

I was reading through your post...and this line just POPPED out at me. I almost think it is worthy of a being worked into a song. :-)

"Walking alone in the rain is usually when I let myself cry, that way no one has to see the tears."

Thanks for sharing and letting us see a little of the struggles and yearnings of a fellow artist, parent, and human being.


rachael chatoor said...

Thank you Brad. Yes I thought that about that line as well, and to tell the truth there are several lines and/or at least concepts behind my songs both written and unwritten which are interwoven into my blog.