Sunday, December 21, 2008

about kids and divorce

I have been wanting to say this to some of my dear sisters out there, for quite some time now.

I have a male friend, who is in the middle of a divorce. I have never met his soon to be ex, but secretly, I hate her. (& I don't "hate" people easily,....well, ever really). I'm sure if I got to know her, I would find some redeeming human quality, I would find a way to love her for it even. But for now, to me, she is an anonymous girl who appears to be trying to crush the man she made children with, and I'm very unimpressed.

[note: If there are circumstances where a woman is scared, if her man has not yet learned that he just can't hurt people, that's different of course. Women need to protect themselves and their children. Sister, if this is you, get OUT, NOW. That is all I will say, this is not my topic, and I digress far too easily. ]

To be safe then, lets assume that I am talking about the fairly normal, nice, hardworking, Joe blo Dad.

My friend is one of those basically nice guys. I see him with his kids & he's a fine Father. Yet his Ex-cow/wife, makes his life miserable, she makes it hard for him to be a parent to them. It seems like every time I see him, he walks a little slower, with his head held a little lower.

How are you doing today? I Would say in a cheery voice.

Friend; Uhhhhhhh.

Me; What's up?

Friend; Well, I went to court today, just to have 3 more lousy dollars taken off of my 'nothing' paycheck. (That's all the judge could find to bleed out of him). Now she (the ex) wants me to get another job, so she can have more money.

Me, simmering: "Brutal, 3 bucks eh? And how much did you lose for sitting in that courtroom rather than being at work?"

He snarfed at that.

Me; "...... and I suppose the only time you have to even get a second job, is when you are supposed to see the kids".

Friend: Exactly.

I don't get it. When there are children involved, you just don't do this nonsense. Especially with a Dad who is actually willing to pay up and show up. Do you even know how lucky you are? You GOTTA work with each other.

This woman is just so small and vindictive, she just hates him, which actually, I am basically fine with, BUT she uses the kids as her pawns. Which I am not at all fine with, in fact, everything about that little maneouver, is wrong.

She took him to court because he let their son pet a cat.

I am serious about that.

She makes up stories, and here is the worst part, the judges buy it, because she is a manipulative woman. She will go to the Doctor and imagine up these horrible symptoms, she will get the doc to write a note that somehow supports her story, illustrating how serious it is, that the kid not be around cats. Which ultimately by the way, means that the kids can't go to her ex's new girlfriends house.

This of course is the real crux of the problem, the new girlfriend. The ex-cow/wife, isn't even single herself (she has a live in boyfriend), she simply does not want to see her ex, happy.

Why not? A happy Dad is bound to be a much better influence on her children, don't you think? I think she is she nuts. And instead of meeting the new girlfriend (who is very nice by the way), to assess for herself the kind of person her children are going to be around, she just pulled an ugly 'court' card and worked the system. Ugh, It makes me sick, it really does.

I know she is unhappy, thats a given, she is morbidly obese and so are the children. ( which is child abuse in my mind, I don't know why the judges don't see THAT little fact )

She does nothing but sit at home and collect money from him And then she craps all over him, and she still expects him to continually keep jumping through hoops. Should he smile while he is doing that too dear?

She has to be the stupidest woman in the world.

To all women like her I want to say, get over it sister.

So what if he was wrong and (in your assessment) caused the marriage to fail? Its done now right? I don't care if he farted on the couch all day long, or boinked his assistant. Get over it. You are rid of him now, so detach yourself emotionally. If you don't have to trust him, then he won't have to lie. Simple, done, move on, now go figure out a way to parent those kids that you made together.

I have plenty of excellent reasons that I could use to justify making my ex's life miserable, but I don't. Whats the point? The real reason I don't fight with him, has very little to do with my ex himself. Its all about my kids. I vowed that they will NEVER have to feel torn between their parents. If their Dad, calls the house, I want them to feel comfortable to talk freely with him, they will never have to feel guilty for loving the other parent, they are welcome to us both equally. I feel so sorry for kids who's parents don't get that.

Just imagine being little, and knowing that your parents despise each other, imagine having to carry such a heavy load. Its so sad.

Sisters hear me, it only hurts your children when you talk badly about thier father.
Just what do you expect your children to do with this information you hoisted onto thier little shoulders?

Don't do it to your kids.

The obese, unhappy, vindictive cow in the story above, is not the only example I am aware of. I have heard of lots of women 'over dramatising' a situation to wrestle more power and energy from the man they once devoted their lives to.

If you recognize yourself in this story, then I want to tell you something. I have seen the effects on the children in situations like yours. It is SO much easier to make friends with your ex. I know its hard sometimes, but the alternative is much worse. Take your lemons and make some lemonade.

with warm hugs ~ rach


Cat said...

Interesting post - my parents divorced when we were little, and there was a bit of this going on. It really does affect the kids, it made us feel guilty for loving our dad and, later, for loving our mom. We didn't have to live through something this awful though. Divorce sucks enough, seriously why make it harder on everyone? Grow up, big fat cow lady!

rachael said...

LOL, Hi Cat I thought I was all alone here, welcome. I haven't linked my blog to any of my sites yet so I am not used to traffic.

I don't normally call other women names, but I saw my pal and his girlfriend the other day, and it just got me so ticked off that he tries so hard to be a good Dad, and his Ex just wont let him.

I have other single mother friends who are all alone, no Dad in sight, no one to help them with thier kids in any way. 'Big fat cow lady' should be counting her blessings. :)

bryn said...

I know about this from two different perspectives...
One- my parents divorced when I was very young and they (as much as I adore both of them!) we total idiots about it. They were nasty to each other, and my sister and I were in the middle. It was ridiculous! For two very intelligent people, they acted very stupidly. It did affect me, it probably still does affect me... However, I have learned from it. I am very careful and try to be as diplomatic as I can in my personal relationships. If I ever have kids and am faced with a separation, I will do everything in my power to make it as smooth and as amicable as possible.
And then another perspective... this past year I was dating a man, a single dad. He was/is an amazing father. But his ex... was, well... crazy. She used the kids as pawns, used the kids to meet HER emotional needs, used the kids to guilt this man. To be fair, of course I only saw one side of the fence.. but I saw enough that it upset me.
Moral of the story, people need to grow up. Adults need to take responsibility to protect and care for children. Period.

rachael said...

Well said bryn, thanks for coming around!